Litlets

March 25, 2009

Call for submissions: the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

If you’re not familiar with the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, you obviously read only cereal boxes and TV Guide, so why am I bothering with you? They accept entries year-round, but it’s getting close to the deadline for the 2009 contest. (All quotes below taken from their website.)

The challenge: “compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels.”

Entry fee: none

Maximum number of entries: unlimited

Prize: “a pittance,” and eternal glory

Deadline: “The official deadline is April 15 (a date that Americans associate with painful submissions and making up bad stories). The actual deadline may be as late as May 30.”

Details: http://www.bulwer-lytton.com

Disclaimer: I do no vetting of contests, markets or calls for submissions posted here; enter at your own risk.

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September 2, 2008

My Labor Day Weekend

Filed under: General,Humor — crcb @ 9:56 pm
Tags: , , ,

I reported my car stolen because I forgot where I parked it. It’s a long story, but it ends in a police station at 2:30 in the morning, with an officer telling me, “I’ll get this out of the system as soon as I can, but you should go straight home. If you get pulled over, you’ll be getting out of the car at gunpoint.”

January 23, 2008

Link of the Random Interval of Time (LotRIoT): LOLThulhu

Filed under: Humor,Links,LotRIoT — crcb @ 10:40 pm
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Mood: gibbering

Double-header:

  1. The LOLCats site is all well and good, but you’ll find the cognoscenti at LOLthulhu (based on the works of H. P. Lolcraft, of course). R WE HAVING FTAGN YET?
  2. When you’re done cackling inanely at the soul-eating antics of LOLThulhu, head on over to The Home Page for Evil and take a look at the Cthulhu for President campaign. After all, “why vote for the lesser of two evils?” While you’re there, check out the candidate’s positions and follow the lawsuit of the Elder Gods against Microsoft (dated, but still funny).

December 5, 2007

Near Christmas

Filed under: Christmas,Fiction,Humor — crcb @ 10:49 pm
Tags: , ,

Mood: paginated

Now Ronald Butterworth was a deacon of the Second Salvation Church, and a police officer. And one night an angel spoke unto him and said, “Take off thy Kevlar, and put thy trust in the Lord.”

And Ronald answered him and said, “Thy?”

Then the angel sighed and said, “People believe better when they have a little trouble understanding the message.”

“Oh,” said Ronald. But he heeded the angel and went to the bust unarmored, and he was gunned down, and died in the street.

Now when Ronald came before the throne of the Lord’s glory, he said, “I thought you had my back. What happened?”

“Yeah,” said the Lord, “sorry about that. The dealer promised to give his soul to Jesus if I’d do this for him. My son’s a collector, and his birthday is coming up.”

And Ronald said, “All my adult life I’ve served you and guarded my neighbors, and you favored a criminal over me?”

Then the Lord’s wrath grew, and he said unto Ronald, “Three nights ago, did I not help you fill an inside straight? Fair’s fair. Do you want me to answer prayers, or not?”

“Oh, when you put it that way,” said Ronald. “But who will take care of my wife?”

“I’m on it,” said the Lord. “She’s been asking me that for years.”

November 25, 2007

A schizophrenic’s Christmas letter

Filed under: Christmas,Humor — crcb @ 9:26 pm
Tags: , ,

Mood: ulmaceous

Dear Satan Claws,

The sugarplumps dAnCe and — s i n g —– in my head that I have been a GOOD BOY so dont you dare mark me with your DAMNED COAL!!! Those vixens keep STEALING MY STOCKINGS when comets fall, and elves are hiding under the bed to gobobobble my eyes. The King of Mice has issued orders. I havent slept in THREE WEAKS and YOU KNOW IT!!! Do not give Ralph an air gun unless he stops controlling my hands and making me TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES!!!!!!!!

I am your plate of cookies,

Billy the Goat Boy

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