Litlets

December 5, 2007

Near Christmas

Filed under: Christmas,Fiction,Humor — crcb @ 10:49 pm
Tags: , ,

Mood: paginated

Now Ronald Butterworth was a deacon of the Second Salvation Church, and a police officer. And one night an angel spoke unto him and said, “Take off thy Kevlar, and put thy trust in the Lord.”

And Ronald answered him and said, “Thy?”

Then the angel sighed and said, “People believe better when they have a little trouble understanding the message.”

“Oh,” said Ronald. But he heeded the angel and went to the bust unarmored, and he was gunned down, and died in the street.

Now when Ronald came before the throne of the Lord’s glory, he said, “I thought you had my back. What happened?”

“Yeah,” said the Lord, “sorry about that. The dealer promised to give his soul to Jesus if I’d do this for him. My son’s a collector, and his birthday is coming up.”

And Ronald said, “All my adult life I’ve served you and guarded my neighbors, and you favored a criminal over me?”

Then the Lord’s wrath grew, and he said unto Ronald, “Three nights ago, did I not help you fill an inside straight? Fair’s fair. Do you want me to answer prayers, or not?”

“Oh, when you put it that way,” said Ronald. “But who will take care of my wife?”

“I’m on it,” said the Lord. “She’s been asking me that for years.”

November 25, 2007

A schizophrenic’s Christmas letter

Filed under: Christmas,Humor — crcb @ 9:26 pm
Tags: , ,

Mood: ulmaceous

Dear Satan Claws,

The sugarplumps dAnCe and — s i n g —– in my head that I have been a GOOD BOY so dont you dare mark me with your DAMNED COAL!!! Those vixens keep STEALING MY STOCKINGS when comets fall, and elves are hiding under the bed to gobobobble my eyes. The King of Mice has issued orders. I havent slept in THREE WEAKS and YOU KNOW IT!!! Do not give Ralph an air gun unless he stops controlling my hands and making me TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES!!!!!!!!

I am your plate of cookies,

Billy the Goat Boy

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