Mood: Curtly Doric
(With a tip of the pixel to Ambrose Bierce)
Apologize: To express regret that another has suffered due to agents unknown. (See Full Responsibility)
Class Warfare: Low demagoguery, meant to persuade those whose pockets we pick to ask for some of their money back.
Conservative: In favor of rugged individualism; opposed to the nanny state; desirous of regulating the private lives of consenting adults in minute detail.
Educated: Devious. (See Stupid)
Full Responsibility: A magic phrase by which one escapes the consequences of malfeasance. “I take full responsibility” means “Don’t hold me accountable.”
Impeachment: An appropriate measure for serious offenses, such as staining dresses and ruining good cigars, but an overreaction to minor peccadilloes that merely destroy thousands of lives.
Mistake: A meaningless concept in politics. We don’t make mistakes: our plans are sabotaged. They don’t make mistakes: painstaking malice guides all their actions.
Nuanced: More complex than a bumper sticker; requiring thought, and therefore both (a) snobbish and (b) mean.
Respect: To have high regard for one’s opponent, despite his habit of pinching invalids and feeding whiskey to babies.
Safeguard: An old law you like. An old law you do not like is a relic.
Security: A prison in which we are safe from the criminals, who roam freely outside.
Special Interest: Any group of people who want something we are unwilling to give. Examples: teachers, veterans.
Stupid: Virtuous. The lower the intelligence, the closer to the angels.
Support Our Troops: To cheer on any senseless war that causes their destruction.
Thought: An evil habit which leads one astray from truths plainly seen by morons.
Us Versus Them: They are reckless; we are bold. They refuse to compromise; we stand by our principles. They are beholden to special interests; we serve our constituency.