January 25, 2007

Notes for a Pocket Guide to Political Discourse

Filed under: Uncategorized — crcb @ 8:06 am

Mood: Curtly Doric

Edited 2005-03-13 

(With a tip of the pixel to Ambrose Bierce)

Apologize: To express regret that another has suffered due to agents unknown. (See Full Responsibility)

Class Warfare: Low demagoguery, meant to persuade those whose pockets we pick to ask for some of their money back.

Conservative: In favor of rugged individualism; opposed to the nanny state; desirous of regulating the private lives of consenting adults in minute detail.

Educated: Devious.  (See Stupid)

Full Responsibility: A magic phrase by which one escapes the consequences of malfeasance. “I take full responsibility” means “Don’t hold me accountable.”

Impeachment: An appropriate measure for serious offenses, such as staining dresses and ruining good cigars, but an overreaction to minor peccadilloes that merely destroy thousands of lives.

Mistake: A meaningless concept in politics. We don’t make mistakes: our plans are sabotaged. They don’t make mistakes: painstaking malice guides all their actions.

Nuanced: More complex than a bumper sticker; requiring thought, and therefore both (a) snobbish and (b) mean.

Respect: To have high regard for one’s opponent, despite his habit of pinching invalids and feeding whiskey to babies.

Safeguard: An old law you like. An old law you do not like is a relic.

Security: A prison in which we are safe from the criminals, who roam freely outside.

Special Interest: Any group of people who want something we are unwilling to give. Examples: teachers, veterans.

Stupid: Virtuous. The lower the intelligence, the closer to the angels.

Support Our Troops: To cheer on any senseless war that causes their destruction.

Thought: An evil habit which leads one astray from truths plainly seen by morons.

Us Versus Them: They are reckless; we are bold. They refuse to compromise; we stand by our principles. They are beholden to special interests; we serve our constituency.


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